INEBRIATED RANTINGS OF AN ENLIGHTENED MIND

anger is perhaps the most fulfilling of all the emotions. what it gives to us is beyond the power of any other feeling. the feeling of unadulterated anger rushing through your veins, subduing everything that surrounds you and enclose you in sheer exhilaration, is purely orgasmic . the instant surge of untamed power coupled with the onset of the awakening of our atavistic feralis is gratifying. to become the way nature has intended us to be is like a home coming. we all are savage...and that is what anger, which is a manifestation of our longing to be what we innately are, allows us to do.
anger.....is what i am filled with when i think of the past...a rage so brutal that even i am afraid to confront it. anger... is what i seek solace in when i think of old, dilapidated, derelict bonds. a rag doll; that is what they make me appear... use and throw...hate...black...sick and tired...redundant..bull shit.. friendship..dear...damn you....idiot...photograph...fake.screw you...love....whatever.
random words echo in my head. my anger pounds my head like a merciless thunderstorm. and i enjoy it. it is my punishment for being the fool that i was. it liberates me.... i am being purged of my sins.... absolved of all the guilt. there are no tears but fading memories of what was and eluding promises of what might have been. was it so difficult to comprehend? was i blind? or was it my faith in the faithless too strong? sycophants....leeches....that is what i think of you. lay off me. i know you now..............my anger gets a justification.

RESTIVE IN PEACE

why i keep coming back to this place , i don't know. maybe amidst all the chaos that is there in my life, this is the only place which belongs to me. i own it. its mine. no matter what happens to me, it will forever be imprinted by my identity. i am free; liberated to do whatever i want. unrestrained is what i become here. but then a thought flashes my mind... what is it that binds me? what is it that is holding me back? is it the fact that i contemplate over things that i can not change? or is it my inability to come to terms with reality and take things in my stride? i think i live too much in a state of self denial; trying to find reasons and logic in things that are beyond me. i try to find explanations where there are supposed to be exclamations.

I vs i

The opening line of every post throws new challenges at me. I simply have no idea where to start from. Should I start with something funny? Or should I write something completely pseudo intellectual and create a pseudo intelligent image of the post, no matter what incoherent mumblings I pour out in it? I believe at times writing a new post for your blog is similar to solving maths... the feeling is uncannily familiar and exasperating to say the least..
Ah! I mentioned maths!! Let me see... Oh...and I do find that i have placed the word "exasperating" close by it. And even knowing fully well that as and when I become an engineer I would be expected to propound the beauty of an insanely insane subject, I truly and and sincerely hate MATHS.........
Oh, come on. you cant despise me for hating the damn "thing". I mean if ever there was a subject that has made me look stupid, helpless and very very pseudo engineer like, it has to be maths.
A subject that goes on promulgating theories about stuff like i(iota) which, for the love of God ,doesn't exist must be the creation of the most wasteful minds of all times. I mean how can we talk of something that is "imaginary" and more precisely write theorems on its absurd uses is beyond the comprehension of a pseudo intellectual brain like mine. If such absurdities are allowed in what is called the language of science then we must not condemn JK Rowling for talking about magic. Damn you and the hypocritical world that you have offered me Euler....
May your soul rot in an argand plane of imaginary repose....

NO ME

I am late. Horribly late, even by my standards. My lazy bum not permitting, i would've been late by a zillion years. A four month delay is something that i didn't imagine in the wildest of my nightmares. And yes, perhaps by being contrite here, i am trying to show the importance that i attach to this mere insignificance in the gargantuan meshes of the internet. Maybe it's because whatever it is that i pour out here is a part of me; my reflections in their most rudimentary, yet coherent form. Maybe because what is out here is finally a semblance of me that i have concealed from the world. I have lived incognito........throughout .
Why I have never revealed what i actually am like, even i don't know. Maybe its because i would have felt vulnerable and to use the word, "naked" before all of you. Or maybe because somewhere in my messed up head there is an indefatigable attraction towards enigma. On taking a pause and contemplating what i have just typed down i wonder with a sense of bemusement... was it me who had jotted down these lines? Even I don't know myself.....
You wrote down slam sheets for me; you wrote down testimonials for me... yet each one of the descriptions offered by each one of you so varied. I even tried searching myself in them....in vain.
In spite of all the temptations that you might offer me to be me, i shall live the way i have been living. I shall be judged by you; i shall give you the satisfaction of appraising me; yet you'll never reach me...... for it is my disguise ; a mere shape that shall be present before you. And you can only wish before I, in my true form shall appear and vanish: IF YOU COULD KNOW ME...

TOOK A LOOK AROUND

I am in a horribly bad mood. And no, this is not a "pseudo" state of mind. Things have gone horribly wrong today. Not only did I not receive my laptop today( as opposed to the fact that I was supposed to) I realised that I had also lost my wallet. And the worst thing is its not the loss of cash that is distressing but the fact that I, now am, without my ID, my DL ,my library card and above all my ATM card. Sheesh, i wonder how am I alive up till now???( which roughly translates into," What the HELL I'll do the registration day??!!")
Problems aside (at least i got a decent preface for this post.Optimistic, ain't I!!) I believe I have a duty to fulfill towards all of you , and that is to keep this blog alive. I know you have been patient and not even once during the hour of mis-information, mal-information and somewhat no information , you did not sound "mutinous" ," rebellious" and all such words which describe dissent.
On my comeback trail , I did notice a few other blogs that have recently mushroomed out of nowhere. Now I am no expert, but I was surely disappointed by the quality control(or rather the lack of it!). I mean, blogs are supposed to be consistent with the overall feel and varying in terms of the content. For example , a blog may have a dark aura about itself but the posts on it can be kaleidoscopic without in anyway distorting the gloomy aura of the entire blog. Most of them had posts which a neutral reader will never find interesting for they'll fail to relate to them. So apart from having wasted my time (and most likely of many others) their contribution to e-waste is surely prodigious. Bless them, and when you get sick of them, blast and lambaste them .
Aarrgh!! I guess my ominous and black mood is being reflected on this post. But then at least the pseudo consistency of the blog is maintained.
I love to criticize, but i hate to be judged negatively. My paradoxes outgrow me.......

IN SIMPLICITY LIES PROFUNDITY...

before i start tapping the keyboard with stuff that is essentially metaphysics or rather pseudo intellectual in nature(by default and for the purpose of uniformity of the posts on this blog) i would like to ask people, who are into blogging,whether they are populist by any chance. i mean what is the purpose of blogging if no one reads your blog? and in order to do so you ought to create, filter , dilute , modify, fabricate the content in your posts!! so essentially i believe the people who blog are someone like me who are looking for popularity and crying out loud for attention!!! more on this later...

hmmm.. let me begin now. long time ago when i was in class 9th or so and when my sis was in std.11th,she told me about this novel by Charles dickens titled "great expectations". the story dealt with this young, proletariat boys' obsession to be "uncommon" or rather different. somehow i instantly bonded with this character, christened as "pip".from that day onwards i have sub-consciously ( and i must admit unsuccessfully) tried to be different. i have complicated things in my life which, if i had been my usual self, would have been so simple. i realised that i am a person who likes to bask in the limelight, to be appreciated, to be applauded, to be accepted by the crowd and at the same time i have this queer desire to be a lonewolf. in contradictions , so far i have lived my life. this blog i believe is perhaps another reflection of this paradox. on one side i want these random, mindless scribblings to be appreciated by the "crowd"; and at the same time i dish out the same "pseudo intellectual" stuff in order to appear different; not a part of the "coarse and common" crowd.i have failed to understand that why i can't be what i am.i fail to grasp why,this facade of aloofness and profundity that i at times try to adorn myself with, can't be thrown and burnt for good. i simply fail.......
life, i tell you, is meant to be lived simply; to be lived as a human being...

FOR THE LOVE OF"LOVE"

to all those people who were idle and prodigal enough to have gone through my previous posts; and quite unnaturally; expected a barrage of new posts from me; i am sorry!! it was an unintended extended hiatus- unintended i say, because i wanted to write lot of crap but somehow was not being able to do so(thank god for small mercies!!). lets move on,then...
of late i have been thinking...yeah, you read it right.. thinking!! the month is February and all i see is red all around me. they say it is the season of a virulent, contagious disease colloquially called 'love'. and the red does signify the sickness all around us. shops all around were and in some case still flooded with red medicines-heart shaped candy boxes, teddy bears with red ribbons, red wrapping paper, red boxes and red what not; and yes all this makes me see red, literally!! i mean , i have nothing against red; it happens to be my favourite colour; yet for this entire month i abhor anything that is red!
my general angst against red or for that matter against this market of love is purely personal. i am not going to lecture upon the commercialisation of love or for that matter the negative influence of western culture and other such redundant theories.it is purely what i feel( and most importantly this per chance happens to be my blog, so i am at liberty to write whatever i feel like). i do not believe that love comes wrapped in a box of candies or a teddy bear or candles!! it is not something which can be quantised into red packets and disposed and dedicated to anyone at will.i simply detest the fact people who have the faintest idea of what love is all about go gung ho about it.they believe that by uttering three words to someone they think is their beloved and roaming about uselessly and purposelessly and spending sleepless nights on the phone asking how the dinner tasted tonight makes them eligible to be preachers and professors of 'love'. blast them and their already blasted world!!
if i were to be asked what is my definition of love, i think I'll be stumped!! love,i believe,can never be defined. it is beyond the realms of explanation. it is an exalting feeling; it is that state of mind; i believe; that you wake up with every morning believing that things are possible, a ray of hope, an all pervading optimism. the object of your affection is not at all important, it is inconsequential. only the realisation that yes; this is perhaps what love might be is of consequence.this feeling is like a shadow; playing hide and seek with your mind; eluding at times then suddenly swinging in front of your mind. love the feeling; for it is akin to chocolate melting in your mouth,swirling with your tongue; giving you consummate pleasures!! love the feeling; for it is an intoxicant with an unmatched concoction to give you a perfect high.