So let's start with the obvious; let's start with something that is always at the back of my mind every time I think of you; let's start with something that defines the spaces between us. Let's start with words, for your silence has rendered me into a shapeless mass of muted despair...
We are approaching the moment of your departure from my life. Yes, that very moment that I once described as the reason for my reticence towards you, the reason why I had to put on a mask everyday to keep my smile in check. Oh the way you rebuked me for that! You shook me out of my delusions of self-inflicted misery and made me believe that the world is not out there to hurt me; that our words can heal all the wounds and soothe the heart; and that there are colors beyond the blacks and the whites in which I used to paint my days. Ironic as it is, it is your silence now that makes me wonder if at all you yourself believed in what you said...
I have spoken, in the past, so fondly of that dreamy pair of eyes that you have. When you used to look at me through them and smile at my stories, the world seemed different. There was hope, there was joy, and the blood in my veins would turn into caramel and honey; and my existence would elevate to the snow clad peaks of the Alps that I had seen and that had filled me with a satisfaction so sublime that only a Greek hero could have had on finding elysium. You defined beauty and loss; all at the same time... you were the bond that consummated the two and made me realize that two can exist in perfect symbiosis. When you looked me in the eye, you made loss beautiful for me... and now you yourself are the loss, while all beauty lies in a profligate waste...
I am not good with defining human bonds; perhaps because definitions are stringent and have borders. And if I put you, for who, freedom stands above everything else, in a definition that would be telling you, that I don't know you at all. Yet, as you move farther away from me, I need a totem to remember you by. So I'll define what you mean to me, my dilemma notwithstanding- perhaps, you are the first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up every morning; perhaps you are the voice in the dark that comforts me; the friend in the night, who'd lend a ear, when all the world has turned its back on me. Perhaps, you are the love that I was never supposed to have; perhaps you are that chapter in the book that I'll write, that would never conclude. Perhaps, you are that poem, that I'll never conjure; the guitar that I could never learn to play... perhaps you are everything that made life bearable for a while... and then perhaps, you are nothing at all...
A star turns into a supernova, lives change and we carry on with the burden of memories and unfinished stories... nonchalant in the bright of the day; secretly reminiscing and shedding that solitary warm tear, in the dead of the night; yearning for the day when the dark recesses of our oblivion will be lighted up once again with starlights and our paths will be laden once again with Sigur Róse...
In between all of this, we learn to live with the silence of our words...
I can’t forgive you. Even if I could, You wouldn’t pardon me for seeing through you. And yet I cannot cure myself of love For what I thought you were before I knew you. *
Funny how a song can compel one to pen down words. John Frusciante and the Chili Peppers are magical in this live performance, by the way. This one has a soul stirring guitar play, and words that can make one cry....
